Since the onset of the pandemic, single parent families were three times more likely to be reliant on foodbanks, nearly one in 10 has fallen out of employment and many are on the brink of exhaustion after months juggling home schooling and working full time. This year has been the ultimate test for the 1.8million single parents across the UK. Here, in honour of Single Parents Day on Sunday 21 March, one single mum tells us what you can do to support the single parents in your life, and how to help on a broader scale.
When you think about single parents, the words may conjure a picture of resilience, determination and grit. ‘Strength’ is one of the most common words used to describe single parents, with single mums in particular often given labels such as ‘wonderwoman’ or ‘supermum’. Since becoming a single mother four years ago, I have lost count of the number of times someone has said to me: “I don’t know how you do it!” And let me answer, once and for all, on behalf of single parents everywhere: we do it because there is no other choice. There is nobody else to do it.
There is nobody else with whom to share the load, whether that be physical, when your toddler has a supermarket meltdown and you have to scoop them up and carry on, or emotional, when you feel like you’re doing everything wrong, and the parental guilt is overwhelming. And the heaviest part of this load, at times, particularly for new single parents, can be the stigma attached to their role. Whether real or assumed, it can feel all-consuming and the weight of it is unbearable. This perceived stigma prevents single parents everywhere from asking for help, because they feel that they have to prove (to themselves as well as others) that they’ve got this; that they don’t need help. But I’ll let you into a little secret: they do. The old adage ‘it takes a village’ runs true and if you have the opportunity to be a part of a single parent’s village, please do it. Not sure where to start? Here are a few ideas.
CASH
More single parent families than ever relied on food banks throughout the pandemic. Single parent families were over three times as likely to have relied on them than coupled families. Child benefit rules mean two-parent families can earn twice that of single parents (up to £100k compared with up to £50k) and still receive support, despite raising a family on one income instead of two. Working single parents are doing two jobs (one paid, one unpaid) with no support, and childcare costs and lack of access to flexible work are both barriers to career progression meaning single parents are less likely to rise up the career ladder. If your single parent friend is struggling, buy them a coffee, buy them dinner, and if you can afford it, offer to help. If you want to help those hardest hit, check out Gingerbread Charity’s Single Parents’ Day campaign, where you can make a donation.
CHILDCARE
During the first lockdown it really felt like the rest of the country was getting an insight into single parent life, because when you’re a single parent you’re effectively on constant evening lockdown once your child goes to bed. Every pub, bar and restaurant may as well be a figment of your imagination when you’re trapped inside every evening alone. Offer to babysit (once we’re actually allowed to go out), so they can refill their cup, go for a drink with a friend, go on a date or just have a bath in peace and rediscover a little sanity, before you return to your own life of relative freedom.
SUPPORT
It can feel like your friends are dropping like flies when you become a single parent. You can’t say ‘yes’ any more to social events. Sometimes the invites dry up on their own because you’re no longer part of a couple. Or maybe you just don’t seem to have anything in common anymore. In truth, the first few months as a single parent are impossibly tough and everyone copes in their own way. Some will want to talk to friends and family every night. Some will curl up in a ball and turn off their phone. However your friend needs you to show up, try and be there for them. And if that means being patient while they find their feet, or when they cancel your dinner plans when their childcare falls through, be compassionate. Don’t stop calling.
INCLUSION
That single parent stigma we spoke about before? It’s real. Not only is it the result of countless negative media portrayals of single mothers in particular, but single parents are actually facing day to day discrimination. A survey of more than 1000 single parents by the Single Parent Rights Campaign showed that more than 50% reported discrimination within lockdown rules. The research also revealed certain groups face heightened discrimination, including single parents from Black, Asian, and Minority Ethnic groups, those living with disabilities and those on low incomes. The campaign group is lobbying for single parent rights to be protected under the Equality Act but until the government takes a more inclusive stance toward single parents, make sure you are doing your bit. Invite all the parents to play dates and coffee groups, not just the ones that fit your picture of what parenthood looks like. Don’t forget the single dads, who account for 10-20% of single parents; their kids might be left out if it’s only mums who arrange meet-ups.
PAY IT FORWARD
The majority of single parents didn’t plan on doing this alone. And it isn’t any easier for the ones who did. The 1.8million single parents out there are often in this, the toughest of jobs, as a result of decisions out of their hands, because of adultery, abuse, or even the loss of their partner. It can feel like a suffocating, thankless task at times, many are doing it while coping with loss, or recovering from trauma and there’s nobody by your side telling you to stay strong, that you’re doing a great job. Don’t tell them you ‘don’t know how they do it’, tell them you love them. Tell them you’re there for them. Tell them they’re amazing and that they’re doing the right thing by their kids. Tell them they’re a success.
Because single mums and dads are resilient, they are independent. They are towers of strength. But when those foundations feel a little shaky, it will mean everything to them to know that the village is there, if they need it.
READ MORE: So, You’re A Single Parent? A Complete Guide To The First Few Months Of Your New Life
READ MORE: The Danger Of ‘You’ve Got This’ When It Comes To Parenting
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